Most makeup and skincare companies have models or celebrities who speak in low tones about the latest product or glide across the camera effortlessly in a very tiny body. You got me instead.
Our online masterclass shoot where I did my hair :) and a FB Live in my bathroom where I at least washed it!
I grab my phone when the moment feels inspired for Instagram Stories or FB Lives in our Green Beauty Gathering, whether I have makeup on or not, and when I’m doing a proper shoot I generally aim for a shirt that looks clean, give a half-hearted attempt to my hair and hit it.
Nearly every time I second guess what I look like. Which honestly sucks.
I hear a family member’s voice in my head saying my arms are too big and I need to cover them (you'll notice a theme in the pictures from events above). I hear another voice saying “you should always wear makeup” because the redness in my skin isn’t pretty and needs to be covered up.
I hear another voice, mine this time, saying I used to be so much thinner and I should be embarrassed at the way that I look on camera. That people won’t want to use my products or listen to my voice because it doesn’t come packaged the way that beauty lines package such things. It isn’t airbrushed, perfected, styled or coiffed, it’s just me in my office or in my bathroom late at night and that’s not good enough because I used to be thinner.
I recently attended Rise with Rachel Hollis and Amy Porterfield was on the schedule. I had heard her speak before and I think she’s awesome – major boss lady, running her own company, nailing it and, coincidentally, looking amazing while doing so. She came out and talked for an hour about how paralyzing her judgement over her weight can be. I was shocked. I had no idea she was struggling with this. She talked about how when she’s speaking in front of a group she overcompensates with having perfect hair, perfect makeup and perfect clothes to “make up” for the fact that she’s not skinny. And I totally got it. She talked about how she won’t take pictures that show her legs. And I got that too. Then she said something along the lines of “I wonder how great I could be if I wasn’t focused on my weight.” That hit me hard because it was as if she took the words out of my mouth. It made me so sad to think about how much time in my life I've spent lamenting that my body wasn't the right size.
It is my 42nd birthday as I write this and I've decided that I’m done. I'm done apologizing for what I look like and thinking it makes me less than. I'm done apologizing for not wearing full makeup everywhere I go. And I'm done limiting what I can give because I don't think it fits the picture of what I should look like. It’s going to be a challenge but I’m finished with spending energy on it and continuing to carry it around with me. I want to make kind choices for my body and I will do better with that but I also want to express gratitude for my body and how it literally supports me every day.
This community gives me the opportunity to show up again and again, without apology, as the message that I want to share – of empowerment, education and acceptance – is more important than the insecurity I may have felt in a particular moment. And without you, I wouldn’t have that purpose. And if you know anything about me you know that purpose was literally what I prayed for when the seed for Erin’s Faces was planted in my heart. So I promise to keep talking, literally never in low tones, with very little gliding, in a fluctuating body size to do my best for you...with, or without foundation on.
A year after writing I recorded a podcast episode where I read this blog post and gave thoughts about it. You can listen to it HERE.