The Night Everything Changed on the N Train

I fidgeted, waiting impatiently for the subway doors to open as the train reached my stop in Astoria, Queens. I bounded out of the car and down the stairs (the subways are above ground in Astoria), the sky thick with stars as I hurried home. I had had a major shift that night and had so much to say once I opened my front door. I had done a lot of thinking and things were going to change in my relationship, and at 27 years old, I was ready for it.  

Let me back up.  

My boyfriend, Daniel, and I had been dating since we were 19 and at 24 had moved in together in New York City, albeit in separate rooms because we came from very churchy backgrounds, and a few years later, he was at the point that he wanted to get married. My parents had divorced when I was in college and, while I had grown up assuming I would get married, their divorce shifted my concept of marriage. Though they had both remarried at this point in time, I didn't feel safe making that step. I had never heard them argue in my life and yet it all dissolved. "No thank you" I had thought after watching how challenging it was to go through the process of divorce. And so, while Daniel had wanted to get married, he was willing not to in order to be with me, and so we both assumed that's how it would go.

Back to the night of rushing home - I had been in a musical theatre class and that evening I wasn't committing to whatever exercise my teacher, Jen, was asking me to do. We were both frustrated and she finally called me out and said "What are you afraid of? What's holding you back from committing to this?" I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of - I was just generically uncomfortable with fully jumping in the deep end. And it all came crashing down on me that this was how I had been living my life with Daniel.  

I sat on the subway ride home, processing everything after class that night, and started to think about why I was afraid to get married. I held all of my fears up to the light and one by one they dissolved, because they weren’t going to happen if I married Daniel. My fear of feeling caged, being limited, being told that I couldn’t follow my dreams - none of that would happen with him, and as I listed off a couple of other fears that I had, I realized that those wouldn’t happen with him either. 

Back to opening the front door.  

I rushed in and breathlessly said "I think we should get married." He looked at me, a bit stunned, and said "are you asking me??", and honestly if it was today the answer would be "yes!" but it was 2005 and I wasn't there yet so instead I said, "no, I'm just letting you know that you can ask me and I'll say yes."  

And so a couple of months later, he did.  We celebrated our 19th anniversary yesterday.

And it doesn’t mean there haven't been challenging times, but I’m so glad that I felt my fear, examined it and trusted my future with him. He has never made me feel caged, never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. I wish I could sit on the subway and watch my 27-year-old self realize that she’s willing to trust, to jump in with both feet and do something that feels scary in that moment, but is ultimately going to surround her with a tremendous amount of love.

So if there’s something that has seemed absolute to you - a no or a yes - maybe hold it up the light and examine it to the best of your ability and see if you're open to a shift. Sometimes things are best if they stay they way they are, but sometimes our fears can keep us from so much good. Our fear thinks it's protecting us but it's often limiting us and keeping us small and untested.  

Your entire future could change 💚.

And are we still doing these Letters from Erin?  We are!  They may move to a different location in the coming months but I'll keep you in the loop! xo